A-Salami Sandwich! Peace and blessings to you all! I am here to share with you the glory of Cheeselam.
What is Cheeselam?
Cheeselam literally means "submit to the will of Cheese (Cheddah)". We only believe in one Cheese (Cheddah) and it's many prophets: Gouda, Monterey Jack, Swiss, Fetta, etc (peace and blessing be upon them all and may Cheddah be pleased with them).
What is a Mooslim?
Mooslim literally means "one who does Cheeselam".
How is Cheeselam different from Pastafarianism?
We believe in the same Cheese as the Pastafarians, however we do not believe Parmesan (pbuh) is the son of Cheddah. Just one of his many prophets. We do not believe in the trinity of the pasta, the meat sauce, and Cheese. We only believe in the one and only Cheese who has had many prophets over the years.
What is the holy book of Cheeselam?
The holy book of Cheeselam is called the "Hickory Farms Catalog". It was revealed to the prophet Ransom (pbuh) in the year 1950 in the part of the world currently known as Maumee, Ohio.
Who is Ransom?
Ransom (pbuh) is Cheddah's final messenger or rasul. The "Hickory Farms Catalog" was revealed to him in the year 1950.
The Five Pillars of Cheeselam are:
1. Shahadah - The Shahada is the basic creed or tenet of Cheeselam: "I testify that "cheeses" that come in cans, bottles, or jars are not the true Cheese (Cheddah), and I testify that Ransom is his messenger."
2. Kase Salat - Kase Salat (or Cheese Salad) is to be eaten 5 times a day while facing Maumee, Ohio. Kase Salat is intended to focus the mind and loosen the bowels. It is a way to personally communicate with Cheese (Cheddah).
3. Kase Zakat - Zakat is the charitable giving of Cheese to close friends and family members by a Mooslim. It usually occurs around the time of the year referred to by people of the book as "Christ Mass". Those who can afford it are to give logs of smoked Cheese and crackers to those who are in need of Cheese.
4. Sawm - Sawm is the ritual fasting of non-Cheese related activities from sun rise to sunset. It is practiced during the Cheeselamic month of Grana Padano. The fast is meant to allow Mooslims to seek nearness to Cheddah, to express their gratitude to and dependence on him, to atone for their past sins, and to remind them of the needy and Cheese-less.
5. Hajj - The Hajj is a pilgrimage that occurs during the Cheeselamic month of Doolin Cheesah in the city of Maumee, Ohio. Every able-bodied Mooslim is obliged to make the pilgrimage to Maumee at least once in their lifetime.
Does Cheeselam support terrorism?
No. Cheeselam is a religion of piece. Although many have committed acts of violence in the name of Cheddah, The Hickory Farms Catalog teaches against this: "If any do transgress the limits ordained by Cheddah, such persons wrong themselves as well as others." Provolone - 2:229
While Mooslims will defend themselves, they are only allowed to use as much force as their aggressors and they are not to harm women, children, or animals.
Velveeta
A lot of you are probably wondering about Velveeta and it's position in Cheeselam. Velveeta is a Shaitan. He is the enemy of Cheddah and all mankind. Velveeta used to dwell in Cheese Paradise (the dairy cooler) with Cheddah. But Velveeta thought he was better than Cheddah. He claimed he was smoother, easier to melt, and better tasting. For the sin of pride, Velveeta was cast from the dairy cooler and forced to live in Cheese Hell (the grocery aisle) with all the other demonic "cheeses" such as "Cheez Whiz" and "Government Cheese".
In Cheeselam, we are commanded by almighty Cheddah to resist the temptations of Velveeta. Cheddah also warns us that the wages of sin is death. Thus those who follow Velveeta will die of constipation and burn in the Oven Fire, eternally separated from Cheddah.
